Mummy’s note:

I believed all mothers can relate to this article.

Via Scary Mommy: Some Days I Can’t Stand My Kids

My husband hadn’t been home from work for more than three minutes before I was closing the door behind me and headed out. That was my destination: out. Out of the house. Away from my kids. The destination? Who the hell cares, as long as it is quiet and I’m alone.

My reason for the self-inflicted exile is something I felt ashamed to admit for a long time. I felt like I couldn’t say it out loud because I would seem like a bad mom, ungrateful, despicable, shameful even. At one point, I thought that if I told you the real reason why I was essentially running away from home for a few hours you would think less of me. Now I know better. I know that you feel the same way sometimes.

My reason for bolting before my husband could sit down?

Some days, I can’t stand my kids.

Plain and simple.

I love them to pieces. They are my light and my joy. So often, they make me laugh and force me out of my comfort zone. They are entertaining and endearing, and my life is #blessed because of them. But you know what else they are?

Little humans.

Do you know what that means?

They are irritating AF sometimes.

It’s just the way humans are. Humans are annoyed by other humans, even the ones we love more than anyone else. Maybe especially the ones we love the most, and especially when they are young.

There are days where my son wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and the only way he will communicate with me or his sister is through high-pitched whining. From 6 a.m. when he wakes up until 7 p.m. when his whiny butt finally falls asleep, all I get is the whine. It is loud and piercing and — this is not hyperbole — it literally makes me want to pull my hair out.

These are days when I can’t stand my kids.

There are days when, after alternating between sleeping and kicking me in the ribs all night, my daughter wakes up and has decided she knows absolutely everything about everything, and she is going to argue about every. single. thing. I say or do or tell her to say or do. All day long. The attitude is strong in this one, and she’s trying to go all alpha female on me, and I’m not having it which means we spent all day butting heads and…

These are days when I can’t stand my kids.

When the bickering never stops. When something gets broken. When every food set before them is scoffed at, and bath time has become a method of torture to them. When everything they want to do is dangerous, and everything I tell them to do becomes a screaming match. When mom sitting down becomes the signal for them to lock themselves in the bathroom, and then I find crayons in the dryer.

These are days when I can’t stand my kids.

I know this sounds like just a bitch session, but it’s not. It’s more than that. It’s me telling you that it’s okay to have days like these. It is okay for you to have a day where you feel like you can’t stand the sound of your son’s voice. It’s okay to tell your daughter you simply cannot answer one more question today. It’s okay to feel suffocated by motherhood, and it’s okay to admit it.

It’s also okay to take a break, to recharge, to breathe. In fact, it’s vital.

Little kids are little humans, and all humans have moments and days (and even weeks, Lord help us all) where they are irritating and caustic and annoying, and you just want to run away forever because it sounds like the only option to salvage your sanity.

But you love them. And you would never actually leave them permanently. And it’s okay, and even healthy, to admit that kids are difficult, and some days you can’t stand them. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you an honest one. And we need more honest parents raising honest kids so we no longer feel weighed down by the pressure to be perfect and perma-smiling. Life is hard. Kids are hard. Motherhood is hard. Admit it. You’ll feel better.


Mummy’s Note:

Good tips on how to control the contents from YouTube for your kids.

Via C Net: How to make YouTube Kids safer for your children

Kids are encountering disturbing videos on the filtered version of the streaming app. What can parents do?

YouTube Kids is has reached the terrible twos. Released in 2015, the free app attempts to eliminate the unseemly parts of YouTube by offering only cartoons, educational shows and other kid-friendly content. Of course, the internet being the internet, people are making fake videos with disturbing content — Peppa Pig drinking bleach, Spider-Man urinating on Elsa from “Frozen,” “PAW Patrol” characters enjoying a strip club — that are slipping through Google’s filters.

Is it no longer safe to park your toddler in front of YouTube Kids while you make dinner? To put the issue in perspective, Google told me that less than 0.005 percent of videos have been removed from YouTube Kids in the past 30 days.

No automated system, Google’s algorithms included, is perfect, but the YouTube Kids app offers a few parental controls that can help reduce the risk of your child stumbling across objectionable content.

Beyond parental controls, one missing feature that could eliminate the risk is playlists. It would be helpful to set up a playlist of videos you’ve screened yourself. If your kids are like mine, they enjoy repeated viewings of their favorite shows and wouldn’t mind being restricted to a playlist of prescreened videos.

That aside, here are a few steps you can take to make YouTube Kids a bit less of a minefield.

Turn off search

YouTube Kids lets a child search by typing or speaking, but being able to search for videos puts a greater number of them within reach. Disable the search function, and your kid will be recommended a smaller fraction of videos selected by Google’s algorithms. According to The New York Times, “Most of the videos flagged by parents were uploaded to YouTube in recent months by anonymous users with names like Kids Channel TV and Super Moon TV.”

To turn off search, tap the lock icon in the lower-right, enter a passcode, tap Settings, tap your kid’s profile, and then toggle off Search settings. You can set up separate profiles for each of your kids, which lets you enable search for one but not the other.

Screenshot by Matt Elliott/CNET

Set custom passcode

To get into settings, you need to enter a four-digit passcode by simply entering the numbers that are spelled out on the Parents only screen. If your child can read, you might want to set a custom passcode that would prevent them from getting into settings and re-enabling search. On the Parents only screen, you’ll find a button to set my own passcode.

Screenshot by Matt Elliott/CNET

Report and block objectionable videos

If your child comes screaming into the kitchen after finding a disturbing video, you can block it so it won’t resurface again later. You can also report it. YouTube Kids has a team that reviews flagged videos around the clock. I suggest you both block and report videos you find offensive.

To block a video, tap the triple-dot button and then tap block. You can block just the video you are currently watching, or if you think the publisher is fishy, then you can block the whole channel.

Screenshot by Matt Elliott/CNET

To flag a video, tap the triple-dot button of the video that’s playing and then tap Report. You can report it as having inappropriate audio, inappropriate visuals or other.

Screenshot by Matt Elliott/CNET

Switch to Nick Jr., Noggin or another app

YouTube isn’t the only source of video content on the internet. If the current situation with YouTube Kids has you freaked out, switch to another kid-friendly video app such as Nick Jr., Noggin or PBS Kids. You could also use Netflix — you can set up a “for kids under 12” profile that’s separate from yours. Because you certainly don’t want your kids watching “Mindhunter” any more than you want them to watch Peppa Pig drink bleach.


Via She Knows: Why I Love Raising My Kid in a Big City

I loved my small-town childhood, but it’s not what I want for my kid.

My childhood was just about as small-town-idyllic as it gets. I grew up in the woods of New England; I ran outside barefoot all summer, playing tag and catching fireflies until long after dark. We knew everyone in town, and all the parents kept an eye out for each other’s kids (my mom joked that she had “eyes” all over town).

But today, I’ve made the choice to raise my daughter in a vastly different environment — in the heart of one of the biggest cities in America. Why? Too many reasons to count, really, but here are a few.

Diversity

In my small town, the vast majority of the residents looked like me: white. It wasn’t until I went to college in Boston and Los Angeles that I became exposed to people of different cultures, races, ethnicities, religions, genders, sexual orientations, abilities… the list goes on. Simply meeting people who are different opened my eyes to global issues more than any school lesson could. And now, my daughter has been exposed to more diversity at age 3 than I was at 18. My hope is that this means she’ll grow up with a deeply ingrained sense of respect and compassion for those who are different from her.

Then there’s the bonus of living in a diverse community: food. In my hometown, our choices were limited to fast food, pizza and Chinese takeout. In her few years of life so far, my daughter has already gobbled down delicious and surprisingly cheap Thai pad see ew, Japanese ramen, Korean bibimbap, Mexican tamales, Filipino barbeque, Vietnamese cold rice noodles, Indian aloo gobi… Oh, and all of these dishes are available within a 2-mile radius of our apartment.

Living efficiently

In cities, living spaces tend to be much smaller. Our family of three lives in a 750-square-foot apartment. This means our energy bills (and carbon footprints) are low, and we can’t accumulate a lifetime of clutter — because we have no place to put it. We have to make careful decisions about what purchases we bring home, and we have to stay organized. This means we save on everything from toys to clothes to furniture as well as the hours we’d spend cleaning a larger place. Most of all, we spend a lot more time together because there aren’t opposite ends of a house to retreat to.

Culture & entertainment

This holiday season, I’ll be taking my daughter to a production of The Nutcracker just like quite a few families across the country. But not all those families have dozens of Nutcracker productions to choose from. Shall we hit up the Moscow Ballet? How about a Debbie Allen hip-hop revamp of the Tchaikovsky-Balanchine classic? Or perhaps we’ll check out The Nutcracker performed by puppets.

From Disney on Ice to Paw Patrol Live, if it’s touring, it will come here. But it’s not all big-ticket shows that cost a pretty penny; our city also boasts a seemingly unlimited selection of affordable or even free museums, zoos, aquariums, botanical gardens and play spaces to choose from at any moment.

Education

Does your kid want to learn Mexican folklorico dancing? Maybe she wants to try rock climbing, learn to code or go to zoo camp? Or how about a foreign language — Arabic, Hindi, Swedish, anyone? If your kid can dream it, there’s probably a class available with an expert to teach it. Yes, a lot of these classes cost a lot of money, but you’d be surprised at the affordable options out there. Even the public school system in our city offers dual-language programs in Spanish, Mandarin, Korean, you name it. When you live in a densely populated area, there’s a wealth of experience and talent at your fingertips for a wide range of price points.

Image Source: pxhere

Delivery (yep)

Can’t make it to the grocery store because you’re home with a sick kiddo? Having a dinner party and forgot the wine? Working late with no time to make dinner? In my city, there are seemingly countless delivery services that can bring you everything from food to booze to household supplies. Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re lazing it up, never leaving the house and spending our entire salaries on getting random items toted to our doorstep. But, boy, is this a nice option to have for “emergencies” large and small. I know if I ever wake up the day of my daughter’s friend’s birthday party and realize I forgot to get a present, I can order something on Amazon Prime Now that will arrive in an hour or two. It’s amazing what this knowledge does to lower one’s anxiety levels.

Walkability

Even in small towns, “walkable” is one of the most sought-after real-estate buzzwords. Being able to walk to your local coffee shops, parks, libraries, farmers markets, restaurants and shops makes for an active and often more happy family. And if you’ve been trying to get a sullen older kid to open up a little, there’s nothing like a long walk to stimulate conversation.

Parent networks

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was worried I’d never be able to recreate that small-town community vibe I’d grown up with. I thought it would be impossible in this big city — but I was so wrong. Since my daughter’s birth, I have met so many amazing friends and parents (many through nothing more than a neighborhood Facebook group) and I now have the same close-knit, caring community I had back home — just on a slightly larger scale.

Bottom line: While I don’t have a huge backyard or recognize every face in the grocery store, for me, the benefits of raising a child in the city far outweigh any negatives. By being immersed in diversity, educational opportunities and cultural experiences, this city is educating my daughter far better than I would be able to on my own. And I like to think that education is turning her into a more compassionate, global-minded citizen too.


Via USA Today: We’re ditching cash. So how do we teach kids about money?

Doug Anderson discovered his kids’ interest in money started with the tooth fairy.

“They start learning a little bit about money because they start to accumulate some,” said Anderson, who owns a business media company based in Washington, D.C., and has four kids, aged 6 months to 9 years, including a 5-year-old who just lost a tooth.

The tooth fairy still largely operates in dimes, quarters or even dollars. But soon, given the lack of cash parents cart around, could it start to pay by Venmo?

According to a 2016 Pew Research Center study, 24% of Americans indicated they don’t make purchases using cash during a typical week.

And that’s made teaching children about the value of money, from how to count and pay with it, to how to save it, a particularly 21st century challenge.

“We’re vastly approaching that real time where’s there no cash,” said Neale Godfrey, of the Children’s Financial Network, a company she founded in 1989 to help teach kids and parents about money. “Our kids will look back on bills and coins as relics.”

Fifty years ago, the ATM was a novelty. Now, there are so many different ways to pay for things. We’ve still got plastic — a 2016 study from credit card processor Total System Services found 75% of consumers surveyed said credit or debit cards were their most preferred form of payment, with just 11% preferring cash.

But now there are also digital options, from Apple Pay to apps such as PayPal, Zelle and Venmo, which let you to send and receive money with a few taps on a smartphone.

For parents, this shift means rethinking how to teach kids about money.

Where earlier generations earned cash allowances or received money as gifts from grandparents to buy a toy or candy, today they may receive a digital gift — such as an iTunes gift card. At school, we don’t give kids lunch money. We just add funds to their school account digitally.

Robin Taub, a certfified public accountant and author of A Parent’s Guide to Raising Money-Smart Kids, suggests getting kids starting to think about money around the age of 5, or whenever they “start to express an interest or a curiosity” about money.

“That tangibility of feeling and handing over cash to somebody feels very real, that sense of loss which is hard to replicate when you’re using plastic,” she said. “You just don’t feel like you’re losing it or spending it.”

A world without cash isn’t a crazy notion. Look at countries like Sweden, a model for a cash-free world, where even churches have started taking donations via mobile app.

Image source: flickr

Bring out the bills

Godfrey of the Children’s Financial Network says the most important thing parents can do is not keep money a secret, but talk openly. “All they see us do with money is spend it. They don’t see us save, or pay bills or give to charity. Make money discussions a normal and healthy part of your life with your kids.”

Cash still carries value when it comes to teaching, Godfrey says. “We teach little kids to brush their teeth. We teach them to stop at a light. We teach them not to talk to strangers. We try to make it as visual as possible.”

For older kids, Godfrey suggests starting off with something real, like taking their money to a bank and opening an account. Then, you can flip to online elements like apps, but kids now have a sense “that it started out to be real.”

4-bank system

Learning about the value of money isn’t just about how many quarters are in a buck. It’s important to teach kids about planning as both physical and digital temptations to spend pop up.

“Kids will probably tell you that ‘you don’t understand,’ so come prepared with a planning story of your own – when you resisted buying something impulsively so you could save for something important,” Kurt Rupprecht, a financial advisor with Northwestern Mutual K Street Financial Group in Washington, D.C., said.

One way to encourage this is the 4-Bank System, where money kids receive is split between four “bank” jars: spending, saving, giving, and investing. “It’s a great way to teach children to plan and set aside money for different wants and needs, now and in the future,” Rupprecht said.

There are other digital services parents can consider for older kids to help them manage money. Greenlight is a debit card for kids, and looks like your typical credit card. However, parents control what stores can accept the card and receive alerts when a purchase is made.

“(Parents) had this desire for their kids to be smart with money, but didn’t have the knowledge or the time,” said Tim Sheehan, CEO of Greenlight. “These topics weren’t really being taught in school.”

Anderson, the father of four, said around the time of the tooth fairy’s visit to his kids, he started a banking account with each child to give them “an understanding about keeping (money) there and watching it grow.” His kids earn “semi-regular contributions” by completing chores or meeting other goals.

He also makes sure to put those accounts under their name to capture their attention when statements arrive in the mail. “It gives the kid a sense of buy-in to it, but it also discourages them from spending it.”

Anderson saw this strategy pay off recently when his two oldest kids wrestled with whether to purchase an Xbox video game console, even independently going online to find the best deal.

“They can feel a sense of pride and ownership they have this money in the bank and they can see it right there.”


Via WebMD: 10 Commandments of Good Parenting

You know the checkout line scenario: 3-year-old child wants this toy, this candy, this something — and she wants it nooooow! The crying starts, escalating into a full-blown tantrum.

In his new book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg, PhD, provides guidelines based on the top social science research — some 75 years of studies. Follow them, and you can avert all sorts of child behavior problems, he says.

After all, what is the goal when you’re dealing with children? To show who’s boss? To instill fear? Or to help the child develop into a decent, self-confident human being?

Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness, says Steinberg. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and desire to achieve. It helps protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti-social behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse.

“Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the entire field of social science,” says Steinberg, who is a distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. The scientific evidence for the principles he outlines “is very, very consistent,” he tells WebMD.

Too many parents base their actions on gut reaction. But some parents have better instincts than others, Steinberg says. Children should never be hit — not even a slap on a toddler’s bottom, he tells WebMD. “If your young child is headed into danger, into traffic, you can grab him and hold him, but you should under no circumstances hit him.”

Ruby Natale PhD, PsyD, professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Miami Medical School, couldn’t agree more. She offered a few of her own insights. “Many people use the same tactics their own parents used, and a lot of times that meant using really harsh discipline,” she tells WebMD.
A parent’s relationship with his or her child will be reflected in the child’s actions — including child behavior problems, Natale explains. “If you don’t have a good relationship with your child, they’re not going to listen to you. Think how you relate to other adults. If you have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions, and agree with them. If it’s someone we just don’t like, we will ignore their opinion.”

Steinberg’s 10 principles hold true for anyone who deals with children — coach, teacher, babysitter, he says.

The 10 Principles of Good Parenting

1. What you do matters.

“This is one of the most important principles,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “What you do makes a difference. Your kids are watching you. Don’t just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, ‘What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result?'”

2. You cannot be too loving.

“It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love,” he writes. “What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love — things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions.”

3. Be involved in your child’s life.

“Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically.”

Being involved does not mean doing a child’s homework — or reading it over or correcting it. “Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “If you do the homework, you’re not letting the teacher know what the child is learning.”

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child.

Keep pace with your child’s development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is affecting the child’s behavior.

“The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained,” writes Steinberg. “The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.”

For example: An eighth grader is easily distracted, irritable. His grades in school are suffering. He’s argumentative. Should parents push him more, or should they be understanding so his self-esteem doesn’t suffer?

“With a 13-year-old, the problem could be a number of things,” Steinberg says. “He may be depressed. He could be getting too little sleep. Is he staying up too late? It could be he simply needs some help in structuring time to allow time for studying. He may have a learning problem. Pushing him to do better is not the answer. The problem needs to be diagnosed by a professional.”

5. Establish and set rules.

“If you don’t manage your child’s behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren’t around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself.”

“But you can’t micromanage your child,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “Once they’re in middle school, you need let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and not intervene.”

6. Foster your child’s independence.

“Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she’s going to need both.”

It is normal for children to push for autonomy, says Steinberg. “Many parents mistakenly equate their child’s independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else.”

7. Be consistent.

“If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it.”

Many parents have problems being consistent, Steinberg tells WebMD. “When parents aren’t consistent, children get confused. You have to force yourself to be more consistent.”

8. Avoid harsh discipline.

Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances. “Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children,” he writes. “They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others.”

“There is a lot of evidence that spanking causes aggression in children, which can lead to relationship problems with other kids,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “There are many other ways to discipline a child, including ‘time out,’ which work better and do not involve aggression.”

9. Explain your rules and decisions.

“Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to,” he writes. “Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn’t have the priorities, judgment or experience that you have.”

An example: A 6-year-old is very active and very smart — but blurts out answers in class, doesn’t give other kids a chance, and talks too much in class. His teacher needs to address the child behavior problem. He needs to talk to the child about it, says Steinberg. “Parents might want to meet with the teacher and develop a joint strategy. That child needs to learn to give other children a chance to answer questions.”

10. Treat your child with respect.

“The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully,” Steinberg writes. “You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others.”

For example, if your child is a picky eater: “I personally don’t think parents should make a big deal about eating,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “Children develop food preferences. They often go through them in stages. You don’t want turn mealtimes into unpleasant occasions. Just don’t make the mistake of substituting unhealthy foods. If you don’t keep junk food in the house, they won’t eat it.”

Likewise, the checkout line tantrum can be avoided, says Natale. “Children respond very well to structure. You can’t go shopping without preparing them for it. Tell them, ‘We will be there 45 minutes. Mommy needs to buy this. Show them the list. If you don’t prepare them, they will get bored, tired, upset by the crowds of people.”

“Parents forget to consider the child, to respect the child,” Natale tells WebMD. “You work on your relationships with other adults, your friendships, your marriage, dating. But what about your relationship with your child? If you have a good relationship, and you’re really in tune with your child, that’s what really matters. Then none of this will be an issue.”


Notes from MAma:

I worry my children would become victims of bullies but I worry more if they are bullies themselves. A great read on how to spot subtle signs of a bully.

Via SheKnows: How to Spot the Subtle Signs of Bullying

Even with your thoughtful guidance and superhuman parental-reflex skills, there is sadly no way to pack yourself into a child’s backpack to get a front-desk seat in their school experience. In addition to fretting about their reading comprehension and how they’re adjusting to a new school year, you might also worry about whether your child is socializing effectively — whether they’re building friendships that could last beyond high school graduation.

And then there are the more troublesome social worries: Could your kid be a victim of bullying? Or worse, could they have become the bully themselves?

It’s estimated that 49 percent of children in grades 4 through 12 have been bullied in the past month, while nearly 31 percent confessed to tormenting others in that time. Though you of course want to prevent either from happening to your kid, psychologist Dr. Lindsey Henderson explains the indicators of bullying are often so subtle, you might miss them. Plus, it’s likely a child will stay mum about what exactly goes on between 7 a.m. and 3 p.m.

In honor of National Bullying Prevention Month, we spoke with Henderson and other experts for a look at the indicators of bullying you might not know about. All the experts agreed: Parents and caregivers should be aware of these actions (or nonactions) so they can spot a red flag — and help a child heal.

Expressing shame or guilt

If your once-cheery, even-keeled kiddo who used to skip through the streets and laugh without inhibition is now dropping a lot of self-deprecating comments, clinical psychologist and parenting expert Dr. Stephanie O’Leary says you may have reason to worry. If your child becomes anxious or nervous around friends and family and puts him- or herself down when the spotlight is on them, it could be an indicator they are experiencing the shame and guilt of bullying.

Or a child could be wary of any attention, neatly tucking him- or herself away because they don’t feel worthy. “If you see a child becoming excessively shameful or expressing guilt that does not fit the situation, step back and validate your child’s feelings. Then listen without trying to redirect or teach a lesson,” O’Leary suggests. “Ask directly if anyone is making your child feel bad, and keep your ears open well after the conversation has ended — kids sometimes circle back to share hours or even days after you’ve provided an opening.”

Thriving on drama

Chaos and children often go hand-in-hand, especially as they surf through the tides of preadolescence and adolescence. Though a little tiff with best pals is common, normal and even healthy, if you notice your child is always at the forefront of gossip, they may be taking a ring-leading role that comes with a side of bullying.

“When a child engages in bullying behavior, peers may respond in a number of ways, ranging from withdrawing to retaliating and everything in between. If he or she is frequently blamed by others, accused of doing or saying things that are mean or uncalled for or at the center of a revolving door of friends and acquaintances, it may be time to look at what he or she is doing to contribute to the drama,” O’Leary says.

She says you might even recognize this over-the-top behavior at home; perhaps your kid is consistently setting up others — including their siblings or even you and your partner — to fail. “Often, parents assume that negative behaviors are limited to the confines of the home or family, but addressing the issue is critical in order to help your child increase awareness and make wiser choices moving forward,” O’Leary explains — especially since those behaviors are likely more far-reaching than you think. Though you might be quick to punish, yell or correct your kid, O’Leary says taking time to talk with them about how their actions affect others is the key to creating lasting change.

Acting suddenly sensitive

Similar to the above, if a kid who was once fast to release any temper tantrum or overcome any hostility now seems like they’re constantly on the edge of a breakdown, they could be responding to a new level of stress. Unsurprisingly, bullying causes self-esteem to drop, especially if the child is teased on an ongoing basis. “When kids are in this position and do not feel supported,” O’Leary explains, “it takes a toll emotionally, and this may manifest as increased sensitivity or emotionality. You may see overreactions and dramatic statements that do not fit the context of your child’s immediate situation.”

After validating the child’s feelings, O’Leary suggests talking it out without letting your own fears about your child’s happiness seep into the conversation. “Listen to what he or she has to say, even if you can’t make sense of it in the moment. It could be that you are observing your child vent pent-up frustration, hurt and anger over bullying that you are not aware of — and that he or she is struggling to cope with,” she adds.

Not demonstrating empathy

Consider the last time you were in a place where your child wasn’t familiar with the culture or with all the people. This could be while traveling or even just walking through a shopping center. Were they open to learning about a different community? Or were they quick to share harsh comments and judge those who may look or act differently than they do? Unfortunately, the latter sentiment doesn’t require a passport, Henderson says. “Some children show a lack of ability or willingness to accept those who are different and make efforts to control these differences by engaging in bullying behavior,” she explains.

So, the next time you notice your child acting on their fear of the unknown, take it as an on-the-spot learning opportunity. “Nurturing empathy and modeling acceptance of all others is vital for parents to do themselves. Praise your children for any positive steps [they take] in the right direction,” Henderson suggests.

Sleeping badly

Depending on a kid’s history with Mr. Sandman, O’Leary says this sign may be slightly less subtle than the others. You might automatically associate your child’s frantic energy with a busy school year — or maybe you jump to the frightening conclusion that they’re battling a medical issue. In reality, they could simply be responding to bullying. “If your child is struggling to fall asleep, stay asleep or wake up, or if he or she is having nightmares, it’s a good time to check in on social connections and friendships to see if bullying is contributing to the issue,” she says.

You can ask them directly about what’s making them struggle to count sheep or you can take a quick look at their public social media accounts. You might find obvious proof of bullying that’s interfering with their sleep, hygiene and health. And if you do? Take it as an opportunity to team together with your child; talk it out and determine the best course of action you’ll both feel comfortable sleeping on.

Acting aggressive

If you care for multiple kids, you might notice a discrepancy in their personalities. Maybe the eldest is more vocal and outgoing, while the youngest is quieter and reserved. Though argumentative behavior can be totally normal (especially in teens), Henderson says to be on the lookout for an overly aggressive demeanor in children. If a child is combative with teachers, parents and adults — and/or if they present a positive view toward violence — they could be taking out their anguish on their schoolmates and friends. “Children may also easily justify their problematic behaviors. Talk to your child frequently about violence and aggression, and set consistent consequences for behaviors of this nature. Help them understand the impact of this behavior on others,” Henderson advises.

You should also be on the lookout for potential bullying habits if a child was once bullied him- or herself. “Sometimes children who are the target of bullying will become bullies in an effort to cope with the feelings of powerlessness and frustration they feel,” Henderson explains. “Encourage your child to exhibit positive behavior within healthy friendship or peer groups that have good adult oversight. Most important, model good behavior yourself and be an active presence in your child’s life.”

Regardless of whether you notice any of these telling signs in your child — and whether they truly mask bullying or victim behavior in this moment — it’s important to be on the lookout. This way, you can step in to give words of encouragement, inspire change and even promote kindness. With the right intervention, you — and the kid in your life — can help end the cycle of bullying and torment, which definitely has no place in any hallway or classroom. Or anywhere for that matter.


Via Psychology Today: When to Push a Child and When Not to

We all want the best for our kids, and these days there is a growing chorus of voices telling us that this means pushing them to work harder. Just about every aspect of a child or teen’s life these days is a competition. But to excel at school, sports, the arts, spelling, debating, social media, even texting (yes, there is a US National Texting Competition), means going that little bit further than others are prepared to go.

And the difficult question – for parents and teachers alike – is knowing when it’s good for a child to be pushed and when it’s not.

Previous generations had a ready answer this question: It’s always good. The assumption was that children need to learn how to persevere if they are going to succeed in life, and no one ever said this was going to be easy. The problem, however, is that we are seeing too many kids these days that are falling by the wayside: struggling with anxiety, poor concentration, or health issues, shying away from challenges, choosing to be endlessly entertained. Is this telling us that they haven’t been pushed hard enough, or that they’ve already been pushed too hard? This is such a difficult question for parents.

With a son who grew up playing small-town hockey, I’ve met my share of hockey parents. So many of them were desperate for their child to play on a premier team. So many disappointed that their child lacked the perseverance shown by the kids who made those teams. And so many who saw their child’s poor performance as due to a lack of effort. So, they set out to push their kids to try harder. And some of them – quite a few of them – got a little carried away.

I’ve seen parents tear a strip out of their child the moment he came off the ice, and sometimes, even while he was still on. I’ve seen parents offer extravagant “rewards” to motivate their child – or for that matter, the coach. I’ve seen parents stuffing their child with candy before tryouts. And I’ve seen far too many talented young players quit the second they were old enough to have a say. But this isn’t about the perils of minor hockey, or any of the other countless areas where this is happening today (everywhere)? This is about reframing perseverance: about why we immediately jump to the conclusion that we’re dealing with is a motivation problem – and the consequences of such a mindset (reframing).

At the end of the day, hockey, like all extracurricular activities, is about a child’s wellbeing in all five of our Self-Reg domains: physical, emotional, cognitive, social, and prosocial. Hard as it is for parents to admit, there are times when the activity is not that good for the child; maybe the reverse. Times when a child’s enjoyment of the game or activity languishes; when other aspects of the child’s life – school, health, social life, mood – begin to suffer.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not questioning the benefits of competition. I love what hockey has done for our son – the way it has instilled self-discipline and self-confidence. And the benefits of being on a team are incalculable. If anything, my question is how we might assist our children to realize – and when needs be, manage – their dreams. But what is far more important is to enjoy the process, and for that matter, the dream itself, should it actually come to pass. And this is where reframing comes in: understanding when perseverance turns into something vastly different, with far from salutary effects.

The difference here is between perseverance and compulsion. In terms of the “Triune Brain” metaphor, perseverance is what is referred to in Self-Reg as “Blue Brain” behaviour. Perseverance is fueled by interest and desire: we press on, despite the unpleasant feelings – fatigue, boredom, discomfort, failure – because we so badly want the goal. The key is: we choose to keep going, despite the difficulties and the setbacks. Compulsion is a Red Brain phenomenon: i.e., behaviour driven by a sub-cortical “expectation of reward.”

For neuroscientists, the latter is a function of three major factors: the positive benefits associated with a “reward” (e.g., a burst of energy, feeling soothed); incentive salience (the size of the anticipated reward); and the positive sensation produced by the “seeking” itself (i.e., by dopamine, which produces a pleasant, “energizing” sensation). In the case of compulsion, we do not choose to keep going: a “limbic prime” forces us to do so, and it dulls our awareness of the costs.

Hunger and thirst are examples of innate limbic primes: they direct behaviour so as to keep homeostatic systems running within a functional range. The processes driving us to obtain the “reward” (e.g., slake our thirst) are regulated by the hypothalamus. Someone crawling in the desert in search of water will keep going until they collapse. A “reward” in this sense is not something that one earns by one’s efforts but rather, something that causes us to keep going.

So many of the limbic primes that drive a child or teen are acquired: induced by parents, peers, educators, coaches, culture, advertisers! But no matter how much we exhort them every child reaches a point where they say: Enough! Some much earlier than others. The kid, for example, who stops skating during practice before all the others, and insists “I don’t care” if rebuked by the coach. All too often, the problem isn’t that the child isn’t motivated enough, but that he has experienced a neural shift from Blue Brain to Red Brain. Such a child isn’t guilty of not trying; his actions are constrained by limbic braking.

Limbic brakes kick in when glucose levels in the bloodstream dip below a certain threshold. In the hockey example, this might happen because of the energy the child has expended trying not to fall, stop, turn, avoid other players, keep the puck on her stick. Maybe there are other aspects of the game that she finds stressful: the fear of appearing foolish; trying to remember the rules; being yelled at by her parents in the stands.

All of these stresses burn energy: that, after all, is the defining feature of “stress.” Just wearing the equipment can be a big stress for some kids. (Think of Richard Branson’s crusade to get men to carry round a pair of scissors to cut off their neckties.) And, of course, the child might not be feeling well that day; or she might have arrived at the game late and already over-stressed; or she’s worried that she’s going to be kicked off the team.

Limbic braking is completely different from laziness or indolence. The latter are Blue Brain phenomena: i.e., the child is fully capable of going further but opts instead to quit. But in the case of limbic braking the hypothalamus – which oversees glucose levels in the bloodstream – sends an order to Cease and Desist. Stop skating! Stop working on the math problem! Stop practicing piano! This is entirely non-conscious: a primitive, sub-cortical mechanism designed to prevent excessive wear and tear. But then, limbic brakes can be over-ridden. The question is: ‘How?’ And more to the point: ‘What is the cost of doing so?’

The only way to override limbic brakes is with a sudden input of energy. This is the reason why, in popular advertising, an exhausted athlete is shown suddenly reviving with a glucose-laden drink. But sans drink in hand, the “energy kick” comes from us. We may try to “up-regulate” the child: i.e., use our own energy to give the child the needed boost. Or maybe we resort to fear or anger; for going into fight-or-flight provides the burst of energy needed to override the limbic brakes, while at the same time muting the PFC systems that subserve self-awareness.

This is the reason why we shout or threaten a child or teen when they want to give up (I’ve done it myself on occasion when my own passions were running a little too high). We do so in the hope that the child will internalize this external “motivation.” But what we are really doing is priming the child’s limbic system: i.e., programming the child to resort to fear or anger on his own to override his limbic brakes.

Children can be trained to override their limbic brakes – or, at least, some of them can, some of the time. There are “energy reserves” that serve this purpose. (Hence the rise in cortisol, which unlocks the energy contained in fat cells.) The effect of overriding limbic brakes is comparable to driving a car when the engine has gone into the red zone. The occasional redlining doesn’t harm a motor. But do this too much or go well past the rev limiter and this can cause damage.

The same is true for pushing children to override their limbic brakes too hard or too often. Do it judiciously and it might help build the child’s “stress tolerance.” Overdoing it, however, has quite a different effect.

The danger here is not only that the parasympathetic nervous system is strained and recovery is compromised, but that the child will come to have strong negative associations with the activity in question. Read through the memoirs of individuals who have succeeded because they were compelled (first by others and then by themselves) and what comes through loud and clear is how much they came to hate the activity in which they ultimately excelled. (The beginning of Andre Agassi’s autobiography, Open, is a striking case in point [Agassi].) This is an aspect of the debate over perseverance that rarely gets mentioned, but it should.

The point here, however, is not that parents are confronted with a difficult decision in regards to their child’s future: viz., success-at-a-cost versus failure-at-a-different-cost. The whole point of reframing perseverance is that it presents us with a very different dichotomy: viz., between compulsion and flow [Flow]. Where compulsion is a Red Brain phenomenon, flow is Blue Brain.

Where compulsion is exhausting, flow is energizing. The former is dogged, the latter creative. The former leaves you shattered and disillusioned, the latter, calm and inspired.

The concept of flow is tied to the concepts of absorption, euphoria, and most important of all, effortlessness. What it is not tied to is success. Both compulsion and flow involve a loss of any sense of space and time; both are tied to a dissociation of sorts. But the motivation for flow comes, not from the lure of status or prestige, but the joy of the experience itself. One does not strive for flow in order to obtain a reward; flow is its own reward. And there is a flow to flow itself, which is where Self-Reg comes in.

The great American biopsychologist Robert Thayer discovered that motivation naturally varies according to one’s energy and tension level [Thayer]). We are most motivated to obtain a goal when our energy is high and tension is low (HE/LT); least motivated when energy is low and tension is high (LE/HT). What this means is that we try harder, for longer, and feel more positive when we’re in HE/LT. In which case, the better we can help children recognize when and why they are slipping into LE/HT, and what they need to do to restore, the better they can return to a flow state.

One of the finer aspects of parenting and teaching is knowing when you’re dealing with a child who needs encouragement and when it’s a case of limbic braking: i.e., a situation in which gentle yet firm support is not going to keep the child going, and pushing too hard is going to send them into Red Brain.

But where Self-Reg is especially important is not just in recognizing limbic braking for what it is, but helping us to recognize the onset of limbic braking before it occurs: e.g., in a child’s voice, eyes, posture, movement. And eventually, helping the child or teen learn how to do the same.

The upshot of this reframing is that we need to distinguish between what we want for kids and what we’re prepared to inflict on them. Or what is worse still, what we seek to prime kids to inflict on themselves. That must never be our goal as parents or educators. Our goal should be that children love hockey at the end of the season as much as at the beginning. Constantly pushing them to override their limbic brakes – because of the antiquated and misguided assumption that this builds character – is the surest way there is to prevent them from experiencing flow in whatever captures their interest and imagination.


Notes from MAma:

I personally like tip #2, pretend that it isn’t your child. Works for me!

Via Kids Activities.com: How to Stop Losing Your Temper With Your Kids

I get it… you are running behind, you can’t find a shoe, they lost last night’s homework, the phone just rang… and you lose your temper with your kids. You don’t want to, but it starts… “Let’s go! Why are we always late?”

When our oldest son was old enough to start doing things to make a Mama lose her temper, I was tested. A lost shoe when you are ready to walk out of the door. Spilled milk when you asked him twice to push his cup further back on the table. You know… those little things that, in the heat of the moment, result in a lost temper… from me, his mom, who should have it all together.

I never wanted to be a parent that lost her temper. One day our son hesitated when he was going to ask me a question. I asked him why he didn’t ask and his response was, “I didn’t ask you because I didn’t want you to get mad.”

That day would change how I parent forever. I want to share what I’ve learned with you, because we need our hearts and our homes to be our children’s safe place.

Here are a few things to do when you feel like you are going to lose your temper… and while the “just breathe” method works, I wanted to introduce you to some other ideas that you can try today to stop losing your temper with your kids… right now:

  1. Parent like someone is watching you. Really. You will see how much differently you act. You will follow all of those “parent rules” like consistency, calmness & being firm, but fair… all the ones that you know you should be following.
  2. Pretend that it isn’t your child. If you were their teacher, not their parent, how would you react. I taught for many years and never once yelled at a child.
  3. Be the teacher, not just the rule enforcer. Show them what you expect and explain why.
  4. Recognize when you are going to lose your temper and stop it. Are the kids getting louder? Are the toys getting messier? Is dinner running behind? Recognize it and fix it before it escalates to losing your temper. It is usually a lot of little things that equals one big explosion.
  5. Speak quietly instead of yelling. The calmer and softer you speak, the more impact your words will have.
  6. Give yourself a time out. Walk into another room for a few minutes. Let yourself cool down and then walk back and address the problem.
  7. Get enough rest. Our kids get cranky when they are tired… why would it be any different for the adults?
  8. Think long-term. If you do this “______” now (Yell, talk rudely, etc…) how will it be remembered by them tomorrow, in a week, in a month? Don’t break their spirit because you lost your temper.
  9. Exercise. You have to get your stress and frustrations out and working them out is the perfect way to do it. Plus, you are setting a great example for your kids.
  10. Be consistent. This is huge for your kids. They need you to be consistent so they can know what to expect. It is the hardest part of parenting, in my opinion, because there are so many different instances that can allow for inconsistency.
  11. Start with a positive. “You are normally just so sweet, but it hurt my heart that you just raised your voice to me” or “I love you, but I don’t like that behavior.”
  12. Try squeezing a stress ball when you get upset. They really work and many therapist and councilors suggest them.
  13. Try using a “talking stick” when you get mad. When the child is talking, they are holding the stick and have your full attention for a minute, then switch. Let your child explain what has happened & then give yourself a chance to explain why you are upset up it.
  14. Don’t get into a back and forth argument. It only escalates the problem and won’t result in a good outcome.
  15. Be kind. Above all, remember to be kind. Remember: firm, but fair. No, your kids won’t remember that day that you were late. They won’t remember that they couldn’t find their shoes or that they couldn’t find their homework, but they will remember how you reacted, because they will learn to react the same way. They will mimic you, try to be like you and learn from you. Remember that right now, at this moment, your kids are being just like you. Be the example that would make anyone proud. Be the parent that you want your children to be in thirty years. You are a wonderful parent… (if you weren’t you certainly wouldn’t be reading this), so let your kids see that side of you.

Via Channel News Asia: 8 steps to teaching your children to think before they act

Sometimes, kids can say or do things without thinking, which can give rise to embarrassing, and maybe even hurtful statements or actions. Even adults are guilty of acting impulsively every once in a while.

But as we grow older, acting impetuously without any regard for the consequences decreases as we gain social skills and learn how to control our impulses. “Impulse control or self-control is the ability to resist temptation and look for immediate gratification, so as to achieve longer term goals,” explained Dr Lim Boon Leng, a psychiatrist at Dr BL Lim Centre for Psychological Wellness.

Many children lack this control. “Parents can start training their children by acting as a good role model from as early as possible,” Dr Lim said. If they are not taught from young, it can result in a child with poor impulse control.

Here are ways you can get your young one to think before acting:

Teach your child to recognize his feelings

Growing up is a very confusing process, with so many new things to explore and even more emotions to experience. Sometimes, your kid might feel overwhelmed as he may not understand what emotion he is feeling, causing him to act on impulse.

If he is able to understand his emotions, he may better be able to direct them elsewhere, instead of blurting out hurtful words when he is upset or hitting someone when he is angry.

“Understanding one’s feelings is the first step to managing it. It is important to teach them not just to recognise, but also name and verbalise their emotions. This allows them to talk about it rather than explode or have a meltdown,” said Dr Lim.

Teach him problem-solving skills

Your kid will learn to stop and think before acting without thought if he acquires the habit of coming up with various solutions before tackling a problem. You can also teach him other ways to cope with the problem, such as by using humour to see the funny side when a situation is difficult, instead of crying and throwing a tantrum.

Teach anger management skills

Anger is a dangerous emotion as it can make us reckless with our words and actions. Learning how to curb his temper will help junior curb his impulses and benefit him in the long run. No one likes hanging out with a volatile person who flies off the handle at every tiny issue!

Establish Rules

Kids might hate the rules you set, but they are necessary in ensuring that his world is balanced. “Rules allow the child to understand his boundaries, remove uncertainties about punishment and often make them feel safe,” Dr Lim said.

Every time you set a limit, you prevent them from indulging in their impulses and thus allows them to practise self-control. Plus, knowing that there will be consequences if he breaks the rules will make him rethink his actions before he acts on his ideas.

Practice delayed gratification

Delayed gratification is the ability to resist the craving an immediate reward brings ― instead, one should wait for a reward later that is better than the original reward. For example, if your kid wants to get something pricey, open a savings account for him and tell him to save up for the item. Instead of spending his money on smaller items, he will learn to wait and save up, so that he’ll be rewarded with the pricier item in the end.

“Allowing a child to wait before receiving gratification can train them to resist temptation,” said Dr Lim. When rewarding other children, emphasise on the effort and discipline they put in to complete or achieve the tasks. “This shifts the focus from an external reward, to feeling internal gratification for self-control.”

Get physical

Bring your kid out and encourage him to do some physical activities! This will help him burn energy, so that he will not get reckless with his actions. Plus, physical activities helps to keep your little one fit and healthy too.

“Completing physical activities also enhances the sense of self-efficacy and instils self-control. Sports often requires discipline, team work and planning to achieve goals or to win, and are activities of delayed gratification,” said Dr Lim.

Be a good role model

Kids absorb a lot of things from observing what is around them. You might not notice it, but every little action that you make will impact your child. So, do take note of what you say and do as your kids will learn from you. If you react negatively or rashly, your child will pick up on that and learn from you, too.

Stay positive

When your little one does or say something out of impulse, it might anger or hurt you. However, you should not respond out of anger either. Stay positive and try to communicate calmly with him. Speak to him in a nice manner, instead of scolding him and raising your voice, and tell him that what he just did was not nice.

When he sees you reacting calmly, he will calm down and reflect on what he just did as well. Raised voices will only result in raised tensions and heightened emotions, and you might end up doing something reckless as well. “It will also help the child’s self-esteem if they are praised when they display self-control, as compared to getting screamed at or punished constantly when they give in to their impulses,” said Dr Lim.

Impulse control can also be affected by other factors such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), intellectual disability, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and even depression.

Dr Lim said: “Parents should bring their children to professionals for an evaluation if they notice that the impulse in which the child functions.”


Via Therapy by Ashley: 3 Tips for Teaching Gratitude to Kids

November is here, which means Thanksgiving is just around the corner.

Grocery stores are stocking up, Facebook is full of posts expressing what people are thankful for, and guys are competing in who can go the longest without shaving. It is truly the beginning of the best time of year.

The holidays bring about so many great things, one of which is the opportunity to teach and demonstrate to our kids the idea of living a life of gratitude.

While giving thanks and giving back are usually values that most parents work toward instilling in their kids, the holiday season is typically the time where it is shown and talked about the most.

Teaching your kids about gratitude breeds more than kids who are not entitled.

When kids learn about gratitude they learn about empathy or how to be sensitive to other people’s needs. They learn what it’s like to put themselves in another person’s shoes thus treating them with respect. They learn that life isn’t all about material possessions, something all parents want.

Unfortunately, gratitude is not something that comes natural to kids, as you’ve probably seen! It’s something that is learned; something that you influence.

Here are 3 things you can do as a parent to help foster and nurture that sense of gratitude not just this holiday season, but all year long!

Speak it:

Look at the way in which you are speaking with your children.

Do you verbalize gratitude for other things, people, and places yourself?

Kids will watch and listen to what you are doing. If we are speaking the language of gratitude our kids will take note and be more likely to speak it themselves.

Expressing gratitude can be verbalized in the simplest of ways; “Look how pretty those Fall leaves are, aren’t they so beautiful?” “I love when you help Mommy with the dishes,” “We are so lucky that Grandma and Grandpa live close by to help us.”

For Holidays, birthdays, special events where gifts are given, place more importance on the actual celebration rather than gifts itself.

Emphasize how part of what makes Thanksgiving so great is being with family or when everyone helps cook the meal.

This will help them understand that these events are not just about getting gifts.

Teach it:

Teaching gratitude doesn’t have to be as difficult as you might think.

Having your kids help with household tasks and responsibilities allows them the chance to experience the effort and time it takes to complete these things.

While it can be really tempting, don’t just immediately jump in and take over.

Stand back and revel in the idea that you are raising kids who are willing to be an active part of the family and who pull their weight!

They’ll also appreciate the things that you do for them more if they can have first-hand experience of what it’s like.

Live it:

While speaking and teaching are both really important parts, LIVING a life of gratitude will speak more to them than anything else.

Engaging in acts of service together as a family such as volunteer work is great and allows kids to see their efforts making a difference.

Having kids write thank you notes may be a small gesture but can be so meaningful to those receiving it.

Other ways such as giving money or even unused items to organizations can be a reminder to kids of how much they DO have.

Try sitting down every quarter as a family and planning out ways for you and your family to give. This also teaches kids that giving back and showing gratitude is not just conditional to the holidays but something that should be done all year long.

Of course, there are other great ways of teaching gratitude to your kids. The key is to be consistent and intentional.

I’d love to hear other ways you’ve helped your kids learn about gratitude!

Comment below and let me hear from you!