Via She Knows: Why I Love Raising My Kid in a Big City

I loved my small-town childhood, but it’s not what I want for my kid.

My childhood was just about as small-town-idyllic as it gets. I grew up in the woods of New England; I ran outside barefoot all summer, playing tag and catching fireflies until long after dark. We knew everyone in town, and all the parents kept an eye out for each other’s kids (my mom joked that she had “eyes” all over town).

But today, I’ve made the choice to raise my daughter in a vastly different environment — in the heart of one of the biggest cities in America. Why? Too many reasons to count, really, but here are a few.

Diversity

In my small town, the vast majority of the residents looked like me: white. It wasn’t until I went to college in Boston and Los Angeles that I became exposed to people of different cultures, races, ethnicities, religions, genders, sexual orientations, abilities… the list goes on. Simply meeting people who are different opened my eyes to global issues more than any school lesson could. And now, my daughter has been exposed to more diversity at age 3 than I was at 18. My hope is that this means she’ll grow up with a deeply ingrained sense of respect and compassion for those who are different from her.

Then there’s the bonus of living in a diverse community: food. In my hometown, our choices were limited to fast food, pizza and Chinese takeout. In her few years of life so far, my daughter has already gobbled down delicious and surprisingly cheap Thai pad see ew, Japanese ramen, Korean bibimbap, Mexican tamales, Filipino barbeque, Vietnamese cold rice noodles, Indian aloo gobi… Oh, and all of these dishes are available within a 2-mile radius of our apartment.

Living efficiently

In cities, living spaces tend to be much smaller. Our family of three lives in a 750-square-foot apartment. This means our energy bills (and carbon footprints) are low, and we can’t accumulate a lifetime of clutter — because we have no place to put it. We have to make careful decisions about what purchases we bring home, and we have to stay organized. This means we save on everything from toys to clothes to furniture as well as the hours we’d spend cleaning a larger place. Most of all, we spend a lot more time together because there aren’t opposite ends of a house to retreat to.

Culture & entertainment

This holiday season, I’ll be taking my daughter to a production of The Nutcracker just like quite a few families across the country. But not all those families have dozens of Nutcracker productions to choose from. Shall we hit up the Moscow Ballet? How about a Debbie Allen hip-hop revamp of the Tchaikovsky-Balanchine classic? Or perhaps we’ll check out The Nutcracker performed by puppets.

From Disney on Ice to Paw Patrol Live, if it’s touring, it will come here. But it’s not all big-ticket shows that cost a pretty penny; our city also boasts a seemingly unlimited selection of affordable or even free museums, zoos, aquariums, botanical gardens and play spaces to choose from at any moment.

Education

Does your kid want to learn Mexican folklorico dancing? Maybe she wants to try rock climbing, learn to code or go to zoo camp? Or how about a foreign language — Arabic, Hindi, Swedish, anyone? If your kid can dream it, there’s probably a class available with an expert to teach it. Yes, a lot of these classes cost a lot of money, but you’d be surprised at the affordable options out there. Even the public school system in our city offers dual-language programs in Spanish, Mandarin, Korean, you name it. When you live in a densely populated area, there’s a wealth of experience and talent at your fingertips for a wide range of price points.

Image Source: pxhere

Delivery (yep)

Can’t make it to the grocery store because you’re home with a sick kiddo? Having a dinner party and forgot the wine? Working late with no time to make dinner? In my city, there are seemingly countless delivery services that can bring you everything from food to booze to household supplies. Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re lazing it up, never leaving the house and spending our entire salaries on getting random items toted to our doorstep. But, boy, is this a nice option to have for “emergencies” large and small. I know if I ever wake up the day of my daughter’s friend’s birthday party and realize I forgot to get a present, I can order something on Amazon Prime Now that will arrive in an hour or two. It’s amazing what this knowledge does to lower one’s anxiety levels.

Walkability

Even in small towns, “walkable” is one of the most sought-after real-estate buzzwords. Being able to walk to your local coffee shops, parks, libraries, farmers markets, restaurants and shops makes for an active and often more happy family. And if you’ve been trying to get a sullen older kid to open up a little, there’s nothing like a long walk to stimulate conversation.

Parent networks

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was worried I’d never be able to recreate that small-town community vibe I’d grown up with. I thought it would be impossible in this big city — but I was so wrong. Since my daughter’s birth, I have met so many amazing friends and parents (many through nothing more than a neighborhood Facebook group) and I now have the same close-knit, caring community I had back home — just on a slightly larger scale.

Bottom line: While I don’t have a huge backyard or recognize every face in the grocery store, for me, the benefits of raising a child in the city far outweigh any negatives. By being immersed in diversity, educational opportunities and cultural experiences, this city is educating my daughter far better than I would be able to on my own. And I like to think that education is turning her into a more compassionate, global-minded citizen too.


Via WebMD: 10 Commandments of Good Parenting

You know the checkout line scenario: 3-year-old child wants this toy, this candy, this something — and she wants it nooooow! The crying starts, escalating into a full-blown tantrum.

In his new book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg, PhD, provides guidelines based on the top social science research — some 75 years of studies. Follow them, and you can avert all sorts of child behavior problems, he says.

After all, what is the goal when you’re dealing with children? To show who’s boss? To instill fear? Or to help the child develop into a decent, self-confident human being?

Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness, says Steinberg. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and desire to achieve. It helps protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti-social behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse.

“Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the entire field of social science,” says Steinberg, who is a distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. The scientific evidence for the principles he outlines “is very, very consistent,” he tells WebMD.

Too many parents base their actions on gut reaction. But some parents have better instincts than others, Steinberg says. Children should never be hit — not even a slap on a toddler’s bottom, he tells WebMD. “If your young child is headed into danger, into traffic, you can grab him and hold him, but you should under no circumstances hit him.”

Ruby Natale PhD, PsyD, professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Miami Medical School, couldn’t agree more. She offered a few of her own insights. “Many people use the same tactics their own parents used, and a lot of times that meant using really harsh discipline,” she tells WebMD.
A parent’s relationship with his or her child will be reflected in the child’s actions — including child behavior problems, Natale explains. “If you don’t have a good relationship with your child, they’re not going to listen to you. Think how you relate to other adults. If you have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions, and agree with them. If it’s someone we just don’t like, we will ignore their opinion.”

Steinberg’s 10 principles hold true for anyone who deals with children — coach, teacher, babysitter, he says.

The 10 Principles of Good Parenting

1. What you do matters.

“This is one of the most important principles,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “What you do makes a difference. Your kids are watching you. Don’t just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, ‘What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result?'”

2. You cannot be too loving.

“It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love,” he writes. “What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love — things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions.”

3. Be involved in your child’s life.

“Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically.”

Being involved does not mean doing a child’s homework — or reading it over or correcting it. “Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “If you do the homework, you’re not letting the teacher know what the child is learning.”

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child.

Keep pace with your child’s development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is affecting the child’s behavior.

“The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained,” writes Steinberg. “The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.”

For example: An eighth grader is easily distracted, irritable. His grades in school are suffering. He’s argumentative. Should parents push him more, or should they be understanding so his self-esteem doesn’t suffer?

“With a 13-year-old, the problem could be a number of things,” Steinberg says. “He may be depressed. He could be getting too little sleep. Is he staying up too late? It could be he simply needs some help in structuring time to allow time for studying. He may have a learning problem. Pushing him to do better is not the answer. The problem needs to be diagnosed by a professional.”

5. Establish and set rules.

“If you don’t manage your child’s behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren’t around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself.”

“But you can’t micromanage your child,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “Once they’re in middle school, you need let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and not intervene.”

6. Foster your child’s independence.

“Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she’s going to need both.”

It is normal for children to push for autonomy, says Steinberg. “Many parents mistakenly equate their child’s independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else.”

7. Be consistent.

“If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it.”

Many parents have problems being consistent, Steinberg tells WebMD. “When parents aren’t consistent, children get confused. You have to force yourself to be more consistent.”

8. Avoid harsh discipline.

Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances. “Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children,” he writes. “They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others.”

“There is a lot of evidence that spanking causes aggression in children, which can lead to relationship problems with other kids,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “There are many other ways to discipline a child, including ‘time out,’ which work better and do not involve aggression.”

9. Explain your rules and decisions.

“Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to,” he writes. “Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn’t have the priorities, judgment or experience that you have.”

An example: A 6-year-old is very active and very smart — but blurts out answers in class, doesn’t give other kids a chance, and talks too much in class. His teacher needs to address the child behavior problem. He needs to talk to the child about it, says Steinberg. “Parents might want to meet with the teacher and develop a joint strategy. That child needs to learn to give other children a chance to answer questions.”

10. Treat your child with respect.

“The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully,” Steinberg writes. “You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others.”

For example, if your child is a picky eater: “I personally don’t think parents should make a big deal about eating,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “Children develop food preferences. They often go through them in stages. You don’t want turn mealtimes into unpleasant occasions. Just don’t make the mistake of substituting unhealthy foods. If you don’t keep junk food in the house, they won’t eat it.”

Likewise, the checkout line tantrum can be avoided, says Natale. “Children respond very well to structure. You can’t go shopping without preparing them for it. Tell them, ‘We will be there 45 minutes. Mommy needs to buy this. Show them the list. If you don’t prepare them, they will get bored, tired, upset by the crowds of people.”

“Parents forget to consider the child, to respect the child,” Natale tells WebMD. “You work on your relationships with other adults, your friendships, your marriage, dating. But what about your relationship with your child? If you have a good relationship, and you’re really in tune with your child, that’s what really matters. Then none of this will be an issue.”


Notes from MAma:

I worry my children would become victims of bullies but I worry more if they are bullies themselves. A great read on how to spot subtle signs of a bully.

Via SheKnows: How to Spot the Subtle Signs of Bullying

Even with your thoughtful guidance and superhuman parental-reflex skills, there is sadly no way to pack yourself into a child’s backpack to get a front-desk seat in their school experience. In addition to fretting about their reading comprehension and how they’re adjusting to a new school year, you might also worry about whether your child is socializing effectively — whether they’re building friendships that could last beyond high school graduation.

And then there are the more troublesome social worries: Could your kid be a victim of bullying? Or worse, could they have become the bully themselves?

It’s estimated that 49 percent of children in grades 4 through 12 have been bullied in the past month, while nearly 31 percent confessed to tormenting others in that time. Though you of course want to prevent either from happening to your kid, psychologist Dr. Lindsey Henderson explains the indicators of bullying are often so subtle, you might miss them. Plus, it’s likely a child will stay mum about what exactly goes on between 7 a.m. and 3 p.m.

In honor of National Bullying Prevention Month, we spoke with Henderson and other experts for a look at the indicators of bullying you might not know about. All the experts agreed: Parents and caregivers should be aware of these actions (or nonactions) so they can spot a red flag — and help a child heal.

Expressing shame or guilt

If your once-cheery, even-keeled kiddo who used to skip through the streets and laugh without inhibition is now dropping a lot of self-deprecating comments, clinical psychologist and parenting expert Dr. Stephanie O’Leary says you may have reason to worry. If your child becomes anxious or nervous around friends and family and puts him- or herself down when the spotlight is on them, it could be an indicator they are experiencing the shame and guilt of bullying.

Or a child could be wary of any attention, neatly tucking him- or herself away because they don’t feel worthy. “If you see a child becoming excessively shameful or expressing guilt that does not fit the situation, step back and validate your child’s feelings. Then listen without trying to redirect or teach a lesson,” O’Leary suggests. “Ask directly if anyone is making your child feel bad, and keep your ears open well after the conversation has ended — kids sometimes circle back to share hours or even days after you’ve provided an opening.”

Thriving on drama

Chaos and children often go hand-in-hand, especially as they surf through the tides of preadolescence and adolescence. Though a little tiff with best pals is common, normal and even healthy, if you notice your child is always at the forefront of gossip, they may be taking a ring-leading role that comes with a side of bullying.

“When a child engages in bullying behavior, peers may respond in a number of ways, ranging from withdrawing to retaliating and everything in between. If he or she is frequently blamed by others, accused of doing or saying things that are mean or uncalled for or at the center of a revolving door of friends and acquaintances, it may be time to look at what he or she is doing to contribute to the drama,” O’Leary says.

She says you might even recognize this over-the-top behavior at home; perhaps your kid is consistently setting up others — including their siblings or even you and your partner — to fail. “Often, parents assume that negative behaviors are limited to the confines of the home or family, but addressing the issue is critical in order to help your child increase awareness and make wiser choices moving forward,” O’Leary explains — especially since those behaviors are likely more far-reaching than you think. Though you might be quick to punish, yell or correct your kid, O’Leary says taking time to talk with them about how their actions affect others is the key to creating lasting change.

Acting suddenly sensitive

Similar to the above, if a kid who was once fast to release any temper tantrum or overcome any hostility now seems like they’re constantly on the edge of a breakdown, they could be responding to a new level of stress. Unsurprisingly, bullying causes self-esteem to drop, especially if the child is teased on an ongoing basis. “When kids are in this position and do not feel supported,” O’Leary explains, “it takes a toll emotionally, and this may manifest as increased sensitivity or emotionality. You may see overreactions and dramatic statements that do not fit the context of your child’s immediate situation.”

After validating the child’s feelings, O’Leary suggests talking it out without letting your own fears about your child’s happiness seep into the conversation. “Listen to what he or she has to say, even if you can’t make sense of it in the moment. It could be that you are observing your child vent pent-up frustration, hurt and anger over bullying that you are not aware of — and that he or she is struggling to cope with,” she adds.

Not demonstrating empathy

Consider the last time you were in a place where your child wasn’t familiar with the culture or with all the people. This could be while traveling or even just walking through a shopping center. Were they open to learning about a different community? Or were they quick to share harsh comments and judge those who may look or act differently than they do? Unfortunately, the latter sentiment doesn’t require a passport, Henderson says. “Some children show a lack of ability or willingness to accept those who are different and make efforts to control these differences by engaging in bullying behavior,” she explains.

So, the next time you notice your child acting on their fear of the unknown, take it as an on-the-spot learning opportunity. “Nurturing empathy and modeling acceptance of all others is vital for parents to do themselves. Praise your children for any positive steps [they take] in the right direction,” Henderson suggests.

Sleeping badly

Depending on a kid’s history with Mr. Sandman, O’Leary says this sign may be slightly less subtle than the others. You might automatically associate your child’s frantic energy with a busy school year — or maybe you jump to the frightening conclusion that they’re battling a medical issue. In reality, they could simply be responding to bullying. “If your child is struggling to fall asleep, stay asleep or wake up, or if he or she is having nightmares, it’s a good time to check in on social connections and friendships to see if bullying is contributing to the issue,” she says.

You can ask them directly about what’s making them struggle to count sheep or you can take a quick look at their public social media accounts. You might find obvious proof of bullying that’s interfering with their sleep, hygiene and health. And if you do? Take it as an opportunity to team together with your child; talk it out and determine the best course of action you’ll both feel comfortable sleeping on.

Acting aggressive

If you care for multiple kids, you might notice a discrepancy in their personalities. Maybe the eldest is more vocal and outgoing, while the youngest is quieter and reserved. Though argumentative behavior can be totally normal (especially in teens), Henderson says to be on the lookout for an overly aggressive demeanor in children. If a child is combative with teachers, parents and adults — and/or if they present a positive view toward violence — they could be taking out their anguish on their schoolmates and friends. “Children may also easily justify their problematic behaviors. Talk to your child frequently about violence and aggression, and set consistent consequences for behaviors of this nature. Help them understand the impact of this behavior on others,” Henderson advises.

You should also be on the lookout for potential bullying habits if a child was once bullied him- or herself. “Sometimes children who are the target of bullying will become bullies in an effort to cope with the feelings of powerlessness and frustration they feel,” Henderson explains. “Encourage your child to exhibit positive behavior within healthy friendship or peer groups that have good adult oversight. Most important, model good behavior yourself and be an active presence in your child’s life.”

Regardless of whether you notice any of these telling signs in your child — and whether they truly mask bullying or victim behavior in this moment — it’s important to be on the lookout. This way, you can step in to give words of encouragement, inspire change and even promote kindness. With the right intervention, you — and the kid in your life — can help end the cycle of bullying and torment, which definitely has no place in any hallway or classroom. Or anywhere for that matter.


Via Psychology Today: When to Push a Child and When Not to

We all want the best for our kids, and these days there is a growing chorus of voices telling us that this means pushing them to work harder. Just about every aspect of a child or teen’s life these days is a competition. But to excel at school, sports, the arts, spelling, debating, social media, even texting (yes, there is a US National Texting Competition), means going that little bit further than others are prepared to go.

And the difficult question – for parents and teachers alike – is knowing when it’s good for a child to be pushed and when it’s not.

Previous generations had a ready answer this question: It’s always good. The assumption was that children need to learn how to persevere if they are going to succeed in life, and no one ever said this was going to be easy. The problem, however, is that we are seeing too many kids these days that are falling by the wayside: struggling with anxiety, poor concentration, or health issues, shying away from challenges, choosing to be endlessly entertained. Is this telling us that they haven’t been pushed hard enough, or that they’ve already been pushed too hard? This is such a difficult question for parents.

With a son who grew up playing small-town hockey, I’ve met my share of hockey parents. So many of them were desperate for their child to play on a premier team. So many disappointed that their child lacked the perseverance shown by the kids who made those teams. And so many who saw their child’s poor performance as due to a lack of effort. So, they set out to push their kids to try harder. And some of them – quite a few of them – got a little carried away.

I’ve seen parents tear a strip out of their child the moment he came off the ice, and sometimes, even while he was still on. I’ve seen parents offer extravagant “rewards” to motivate their child – or for that matter, the coach. I’ve seen parents stuffing their child with candy before tryouts. And I’ve seen far too many talented young players quit the second they were old enough to have a say. But this isn’t about the perils of minor hockey, or any of the other countless areas where this is happening today (everywhere)? This is about reframing perseverance: about why we immediately jump to the conclusion that we’re dealing with is a motivation problem – and the consequences of such a mindset (reframing).

At the end of the day, hockey, like all extracurricular activities, is about a child’s wellbeing in all five of our Self-Reg domains: physical, emotional, cognitive, social, and prosocial. Hard as it is for parents to admit, there are times when the activity is not that good for the child; maybe the reverse. Times when a child’s enjoyment of the game or activity languishes; when other aspects of the child’s life – school, health, social life, mood – begin to suffer.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not questioning the benefits of competition. I love what hockey has done for our son – the way it has instilled self-discipline and self-confidence. And the benefits of being on a team are incalculable. If anything, my question is how we might assist our children to realize – and when needs be, manage – their dreams. But what is far more important is to enjoy the process, and for that matter, the dream itself, should it actually come to pass. And this is where reframing comes in: understanding when perseverance turns into something vastly different, with far from salutary effects.

The difference here is between perseverance and compulsion. In terms of the “Triune Brain” metaphor, perseverance is what is referred to in Self-Reg as “Blue Brain” behaviour. Perseverance is fueled by interest and desire: we press on, despite the unpleasant feelings – fatigue, boredom, discomfort, failure – because we so badly want the goal. The key is: we choose to keep going, despite the difficulties and the setbacks. Compulsion is a Red Brain phenomenon: i.e., behaviour driven by a sub-cortical “expectation of reward.”

For neuroscientists, the latter is a function of three major factors: the positive benefits associated with a “reward” (e.g., a burst of energy, feeling soothed); incentive salience (the size of the anticipated reward); and the positive sensation produced by the “seeking” itself (i.e., by dopamine, which produces a pleasant, “energizing” sensation). In the case of compulsion, we do not choose to keep going: a “limbic prime” forces us to do so, and it dulls our awareness of the costs.

Hunger and thirst are examples of innate limbic primes: they direct behaviour so as to keep homeostatic systems running within a functional range. The processes driving us to obtain the “reward” (e.g., slake our thirst) are regulated by the hypothalamus. Someone crawling in the desert in search of water will keep going until they collapse. A “reward” in this sense is not something that one earns by one’s efforts but rather, something that causes us to keep going.

So many of the limbic primes that drive a child or teen are acquired: induced by parents, peers, educators, coaches, culture, advertisers! But no matter how much we exhort them every child reaches a point where they say: Enough! Some much earlier than others. The kid, for example, who stops skating during practice before all the others, and insists “I don’t care” if rebuked by the coach. All too often, the problem isn’t that the child isn’t motivated enough, but that he has experienced a neural shift from Blue Brain to Red Brain. Such a child isn’t guilty of not trying; his actions are constrained by limbic braking.

Limbic brakes kick in when glucose levels in the bloodstream dip below a certain threshold. In the hockey example, this might happen because of the energy the child has expended trying not to fall, stop, turn, avoid other players, keep the puck on her stick. Maybe there are other aspects of the game that she finds stressful: the fear of appearing foolish; trying to remember the rules; being yelled at by her parents in the stands.

All of these stresses burn energy: that, after all, is the defining feature of “stress.” Just wearing the equipment can be a big stress for some kids. (Think of Richard Branson’s crusade to get men to carry round a pair of scissors to cut off their neckties.) And, of course, the child might not be feeling well that day; or she might have arrived at the game late and already over-stressed; or she’s worried that she’s going to be kicked off the team.

Limbic braking is completely different from laziness or indolence. The latter are Blue Brain phenomena: i.e., the child is fully capable of going further but opts instead to quit. But in the case of limbic braking the hypothalamus – which oversees glucose levels in the bloodstream – sends an order to Cease and Desist. Stop skating! Stop working on the math problem! Stop practicing piano! This is entirely non-conscious: a primitive, sub-cortical mechanism designed to prevent excessive wear and tear. But then, limbic brakes can be over-ridden. The question is: ‘How?’ And more to the point: ‘What is the cost of doing so?’

The only way to override limbic brakes is with a sudden input of energy. This is the reason why, in popular advertising, an exhausted athlete is shown suddenly reviving with a glucose-laden drink. But sans drink in hand, the “energy kick” comes from us. We may try to “up-regulate” the child: i.e., use our own energy to give the child the needed boost. Or maybe we resort to fear or anger; for going into fight-or-flight provides the burst of energy needed to override the limbic brakes, while at the same time muting the PFC systems that subserve self-awareness.

This is the reason why we shout or threaten a child or teen when they want to give up (I’ve done it myself on occasion when my own passions were running a little too high). We do so in the hope that the child will internalize this external “motivation.” But what we are really doing is priming the child’s limbic system: i.e., programming the child to resort to fear or anger on his own to override his limbic brakes.

Children can be trained to override their limbic brakes – or, at least, some of them can, some of the time. There are “energy reserves” that serve this purpose. (Hence the rise in cortisol, which unlocks the energy contained in fat cells.) The effect of overriding limbic brakes is comparable to driving a car when the engine has gone into the red zone. The occasional redlining doesn’t harm a motor. But do this too much or go well past the rev limiter and this can cause damage.

The same is true for pushing children to override their limbic brakes too hard or too often. Do it judiciously and it might help build the child’s “stress tolerance.” Overdoing it, however, has quite a different effect.

The danger here is not only that the parasympathetic nervous system is strained and recovery is compromised, but that the child will come to have strong negative associations with the activity in question. Read through the memoirs of individuals who have succeeded because they were compelled (first by others and then by themselves) and what comes through loud and clear is how much they came to hate the activity in which they ultimately excelled. (The beginning of Andre Agassi’s autobiography, Open, is a striking case in point [Agassi].) This is an aspect of the debate over perseverance that rarely gets mentioned, but it should.

The point here, however, is not that parents are confronted with a difficult decision in regards to their child’s future: viz., success-at-a-cost versus failure-at-a-different-cost. The whole point of reframing perseverance is that it presents us with a very different dichotomy: viz., between compulsion and flow [Flow]. Where compulsion is a Red Brain phenomenon, flow is Blue Brain.

Where compulsion is exhausting, flow is energizing. The former is dogged, the latter creative. The former leaves you shattered and disillusioned, the latter, calm and inspired.

The concept of flow is tied to the concepts of absorption, euphoria, and most important of all, effortlessness. What it is not tied to is success. Both compulsion and flow involve a loss of any sense of space and time; both are tied to a dissociation of sorts. But the motivation for flow comes, not from the lure of status or prestige, but the joy of the experience itself. One does not strive for flow in order to obtain a reward; flow is its own reward. And there is a flow to flow itself, which is where Self-Reg comes in.

The great American biopsychologist Robert Thayer discovered that motivation naturally varies according to one’s energy and tension level [Thayer]). We are most motivated to obtain a goal when our energy is high and tension is low (HE/LT); least motivated when energy is low and tension is high (LE/HT). What this means is that we try harder, for longer, and feel more positive when we’re in HE/LT. In which case, the better we can help children recognize when and why they are slipping into LE/HT, and what they need to do to restore, the better they can return to a flow state.

One of the finer aspects of parenting and teaching is knowing when you’re dealing with a child who needs encouragement and when it’s a case of limbic braking: i.e., a situation in which gentle yet firm support is not going to keep the child going, and pushing too hard is going to send them into Red Brain.

But where Self-Reg is especially important is not just in recognizing limbic braking for what it is, but helping us to recognize the onset of limbic braking before it occurs: e.g., in a child’s voice, eyes, posture, movement. And eventually, helping the child or teen learn how to do the same.

The upshot of this reframing is that we need to distinguish between what we want for kids and what we’re prepared to inflict on them. Or what is worse still, what we seek to prime kids to inflict on themselves. That must never be our goal as parents or educators. Our goal should be that children love hockey at the end of the season as much as at the beginning. Constantly pushing them to override their limbic brakes – because of the antiquated and misguided assumption that this builds character – is the surest way there is to prevent them from experiencing flow in whatever captures their interest and imagination.


Notes from MAma:

I personally like tip #2, pretend that it isn’t your child. Works for me!

Via Kids Activities.com: How to Stop Losing Your Temper With Your Kids

I get it… you are running behind, you can’t find a shoe, they lost last night’s homework, the phone just rang… and you lose your temper with your kids. You don’t want to, but it starts… “Let’s go! Why are we always late?”

When our oldest son was old enough to start doing things to make a Mama lose her temper, I was tested. A lost shoe when you are ready to walk out of the door. Spilled milk when you asked him twice to push his cup further back on the table. You know… those little things that, in the heat of the moment, result in a lost temper… from me, his mom, who should have it all together.

I never wanted to be a parent that lost her temper. One day our son hesitated when he was going to ask me a question. I asked him why he didn’t ask and his response was, “I didn’t ask you because I didn’t want you to get mad.”

That day would change how I parent forever. I want to share what I’ve learned with you, because we need our hearts and our homes to be our children’s safe place.

Here are a few things to do when you feel like you are going to lose your temper… and while the “just breathe” method works, I wanted to introduce you to some other ideas that you can try today to stop losing your temper with your kids… right now:

  1. Parent like someone is watching you. Really. You will see how much differently you act. You will follow all of those “parent rules” like consistency, calmness & being firm, but fair… all the ones that you know you should be following.
  2. Pretend that it isn’t your child. If you were their teacher, not their parent, how would you react. I taught for many years and never once yelled at a child.
  3. Be the teacher, not just the rule enforcer. Show them what you expect and explain why.
  4. Recognize when you are going to lose your temper and stop it. Are the kids getting louder? Are the toys getting messier? Is dinner running behind? Recognize it and fix it before it escalates to losing your temper. It is usually a lot of little things that equals one big explosion.
  5. Speak quietly instead of yelling. The calmer and softer you speak, the more impact your words will have.
  6. Give yourself a time out. Walk into another room for a few minutes. Let yourself cool down and then walk back and address the problem.
  7. Get enough rest. Our kids get cranky when they are tired… why would it be any different for the adults?
  8. Think long-term. If you do this “______” now (Yell, talk rudely, etc…) how will it be remembered by them tomorrow, in a week, in a month? Don’t break their spirit because you lost your temper.
  9. Exercise. You have to get your stress and frustrations out and working them out is the perfect way to do it. Plus, you are setting a great example for your kids.
  10. Be consistent. This is huge for your kids. They need you to be consistent so they can know what to expect. It is the hardest part of parenting, in my opinion, because there are so many different instances that can allow for inconsistency.
  11. Start with a positive. “You are normally just so sweet, but it hurt my heart that you just raised your voice to me” or “I love you, but I don’t like that behavior.”
  12. Try squeezing a stress ball when you get upset. They really work and many therapist and councilors suggest them.
  13. Try using a “talking stick” when you get mad. When the child is talking, they are holding the stick and have your full attention for a minute, then switch. Let your child explain what has happened & then give yourself a chance to explain why you are upset up it.
  14. Don’t get into a back and forth argument. It only escalates the problem and won’t result in a good outcome.
  15. Be kind. Above all, remember to be kind. Remember: firm, but fair. No, your kids won’t remember that day that you were late. They won’t remember that they couldn’t find their shoes or that they couldn’t find their homework, but they will remember how you reacted, because they will learn to react the same way. They will mimic you, try to be like you and learn from you. Remember that right now, at this moment, your kids are being just like you. Be the example that would make anyone proud. Be the parent that you want your children to be in thirty years. You are a wonderful parent… (if you weren’t you certainly wouldn’t be reading this), so let your kids see that side of you.

Via Therapy by Ashley: 3 Tips for Teaching Gratitude to Kids

November is here, which means Thanksgiving is just around the corner.

Grocery stores are stocking up, Facebook is full of posts expressing what people are thankful for, and guys are competing in who can go the longest without shaving. It is truly the beginning of the best time of year.

The holidays bring about so many great things, one of which is the opportunity to teach and demonstrate to our kids the idea of living a life of gratitude.

While giving thanks and giving back are usually values that most parents work toward instilling in their kids, the holiday season is typically the time where it is shown and talked about the most.

Teaching your kids about gratitude breeds more than kids who are not entitled.

When kids learn about gratitude they learn about empathy or how to be sensitive to other people’s needs. They learn what it’s like to put themselves in another person’s shoes thus treating them with respect. They learn that life isn’t all about material possessions, something all parents want.

Unfortunately, gratitude is not something that comes natural to kids, as you’ve probably seen! It’s something that is learned; something that you influence.

Here are 3 things you can do as a parent to help foster and nurture that sense of gratitude not just this holiday season, but all year long!

Speak it:

Look at the way in which you are speaking with your children.

Do you verbalize gratitude for other things, people, and places yourself?

Kids will watch and listen to what you are doing. If we are speaking the language of gratitude our kids will take note and be more likely to speak it themselves.

Expressing gratitude can be verbalized in the simplest of ways; “Look how pretty those Fall leaves are, aren’t they so beautiful?” “I love when you help Mommy with the dishes,” “We are so lucky that Grandma and Grandpa live close by to help us.”

For Holidays, birthdays, special events where gifts are given, place more importance on the actual celebration rather than gifts itself.

Emphasize how part of what makes Thanksgiving so great is being with family or when everyone helps cook the meal.

This will help them understand that these events are not just about getting gifts.

Teach it:

Teaching gratitude doesn’t have to be as difficult as you might think.

Having your kids help with household tasks and responsibilities allows them the chance to experience the effort and time it takes to complete these things.

While it can be really tempting, don’t just immediately jump in and take over.

Stand back and revel in the idea that you are raising kids who are willing to be an active part of the family and who pull their weight!

They’ll also appreciate the things that you do for them more if they can have first-hand experience of what it’s like.

Live it:

While speaking and teaching are both really important parts, LIVING a life of gratitude will speak more to them than anything else.

Engaging in acts of service together as a family such as volunteer work is great and allows kids to see their efforts making a difference.

Having kids write thank you notes may be a small gesture but can be so meaningful to those receiving it.

Other ways such as giving money or even unused items to organizations can be a reminder to kids of how much they DO have.

Try sitting down every quarter as a family and planning out ways for you and your family to give. This also teaches kids that giving back and showing gratitude is not just conditional to the holidays but something that should be done all year long.

Of course, there are other great ways of teaching gratitude to your kids. The key is to be consistent and intentional.

I’d love to hear other ways you’ve helped your kids learn about gratitude!

Comment below and let me hear from you!


Via Mail Online: What your star sign reveals about your parenting style

Everyone has a different approach to raising their children, but astrologists believe it’s influenced by your star sign – and when a parent was born can hugely impact who their little ones become.
According to astrologists at Rebel Circus, your zodiac sign speaks volumes about the way you raise your children – and it can offer insights into your specific strengths – and challenges – when it comes to nurturing a family.
Read on to discover how your star sign influences your parenting style (and what you’re doing right and wrong).

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Aries has her own life and isn’t afraid to see her friends. An Aries mother can, however, be fairly competitive – a streak that she brings out in her children. Aries mothers don’t like to lose and can flip mood when things don’t go their way.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Cancer mothers are so maternal that they know the ropes before they’ve even given birth. They are hugely doting and sensitive but are often moody and extremely overprotective

LIBRA: September 23-October 22

Libra mothers are super patient and leave their children plenty of room for mistakes. They instill good morals and a strong sense of culture on their offspring but can be inconsistent and snobby about their parenting skills.

CAPRICORN: December 22 – January 20

You’re the rock of the family and everyone looks to you for inspiration because you’re hardworking and will always get the job done.
Your children see you as their role model so will do all they can to emulate your style. However, you can be a little on the serious side so try lightening up and having some fun every so often.

TAURUS: April 20-May 20

Taurus mothers love a routine and know what works best for their family. This mother will always raise children with a good set of morals and feet firmly on the ground. The Taurus mother can often play a game of Keeping Up With The Joneses and has a serious penchant for the finer things in life.

LEO: July 23-August 22

Leo mothers are high-energy, fun and vibrant so children absolutely love their company.
They’re great at playing with little ones and sparking their imagination and are confident around unruly tots. On the flip side, they can be overly dramatic and make a big issue out of smaller grievances.

SCORPIO: October 23-November 21

Scorpio do things their own way and don’t care what others think of their parenting style. They are the leaders of the family but can be control freaks with hot and cold emotions, something their children can find hard to comprehend.

AQUARIUS: January 20-February 18

You’re young at heart and fiercely independent. Your children are prone to following this free-spirited nature and marching to the beat of their own drum, with others often dubbing them ‘quirky’.
You don’t often set boundaries with your children leading them to see you as a friend rather than a superior.

GEMINI: May 21-June 20

Gemini mothers are down with the kids. They’re always up on the latest technology and children are drawn to their fun-loving nature. Their high energy can, however, disrupt the household stability.

VIRGO: August 23-September 22

Organised, knowledgeable and practical, Virgo mothers have some of the healthiest habits out of all the zodiac signs.
Their children can often find them too rigid because of their obsession with rules and structure and they can offend their friends by judging their parenting style.

SAGITTARIUS: November 22-December 21

As adventurous risk takers, Sagittarius mothers are always up for new challenges and seek fun. They are extremely wise and encourage their children to read widely and seek adventure and opportunity. They can often be impatient and take things too far.

PISCES: February 19-March 2

Your children love you for your ability to love unconditionally, listen and emphathise. You’ll always put your family above everyone else but can often appear passive aggressive when things don’t go your way.


Via BBC News: Talking to children about sex and relationships

Social media and the ease of access to explicit material on the web means the tricky topic of sex is even more of a minefield for parents.
Last week, a 24-year-old teacher’s concerns about teenagers’ sexual activity highlighted the need for parents to engage with their children – so what’s the best approach?

Tolerate the awkwardness

For many parents, talking about sex with their children is embarrassing and awkward.

But clinical psychologist Dr Abigael San says parents just have to push this feeling to one side.

“As the grown-ups, the parents, we’ve just got to tolerate the awkwardness and not let that create a stone wall.

“Sitting with the awkwardness that a conversation like this brings gives the message that you’re there for them to speak about the issues around sex and consent.”

Don’t talk directly about them

Dr San says basing a conversation on someone else rather than your child is a good starting point.

“It’s a bit safer to talk about when it’s in the third person, when it’s about someone else.

“Sometimes there are opportunities that can arise where as an adult, as a parent, we might think, here’s an opportunity – if something comes up in a film or a book that they’re reading that you know and you could respond to what’s happening in the story.

“You know, a sex scene in a film, for example, you could talk about what’s happening in it and your views and their views.”

The stories of friends and relatives can also be “a way in to talk about that experience and what it was like for that person – maybe where they went wrong and what they could have done and what pressures they might have felt under”.

Don’t cringe and switch channels

If sex comes up on the TV, children will pick up on parents’ reactions, so it’s important to think about your response.

The charity Family Lives says: “If you change the channel, change the subject or make a joke every time that the subject of sex comes up, your children are more likely to believe that sex is secretive, dangerous, embarrassing or something to be ashamed or afraid of.”

Kathryn Mabey, head of PSHE [personal, social, health and economic education] at Burntwood School school in London, says if sex crops up on the TV or the radio, use it as an opportunity to talk.

“I think those situations – rather than everybody sitting there cringing – could be used as conversation points that can be explored within the family, where they feel safe and able to explore those issues.”

Teach a child to stand their ground

A child who is happy to go along with their peers in being generally naughty might be less confident about saying no when it comes to sexual activity.

Dr San says parents need to get the message across, from an early age, that they don’t have to do things they don’t want to – like showing off in front of the class or being rude to the teacher – just because others are egging them on.

“It’s just social situations and really showing strong principles about that – to stand up to things, to hold their own, to hold their own confidence about things and not give in to stuff.

“Then you’re engraining values about not giving in and doing anything that you don’t want to do, so that when you get to these conversations when they’re older, it will resonate with something that’s already familiar.”

Get savvy with social media

Kathryn Mabey thinks the wide use of social media is the biggest worry in terms of young people getting themselves into difficult situations sexually.
And the fact today’s teenagers are digital natives in a way their parents often aren’t, doesn’t help.

“Often young people feel that they can’t talk to their parents about it because their parents won’t understand because they don’t know about Instagram and so on.

“The thing is to get a bit text savvy,.. I think as a parent, you kind of need to know what’s going on Instagram a bit… so we can keep an open dialogue with the kids.”

Don’t judge

Kathryn Mabey says it’s important not to say anything that might close down the channels of conversation – now or in the future.

“My daughter’s seven, and she came home saying there’s a boy at school that she likes.

“So I made a point of not really pushing it and saying, ‘You know you can come and talk to me about anything like that,’ and not punishing her and saying, ‘You’re too young to have boyfriends, what do you mean ‘boyfriends’?’ even though I was tempted to do that.

“It was like, ‘Oh that’s interesting, what’s his name? What do you like about him?’ and not pushing it, that way they feel that they’re not going to be punished if you bring up a conversation about sex.

“I want her to feel that she can talk to me about things like that. And as she gets older, presumably the conversations will change and as long as she feels she can come to me and she’s not going to get told off when she says, ‘Look this has happened,’ maybe with a boy, as long as there’s dialogue there, then I think children are safer.”

Dr San says: “It’s also really important not to invalidate them, their feelings and their experiences.

“It’s important not to be too pushy with your own view because that in itself can be invalidating like, ‘You’re telling me what I think and feel, so I’m never going to speak to you,’ – but it’s really tricky to get the right balance.”

Start talking young

NHS advice says it’s never too early to start talking about sex – but just in an age-appropriate way.

“You don’t have to go into detail. A short, simple answer might be enough,” the advice says.

“If they ask a question, such as, ‘Where do babies come from?’ you could answer by saying, ‘Babies grow in a woman’s tummy, and when they’re ready, they come out into the world.’ This might be enough.

“If not, your child’s follow-up question could be, ‘How does the baby get in there?’ You could answer, ‘A man puts a seed in there.'”
The NSPCC’s Jon Brown says: “How soon parents start having these conversations will depend on how old and mature their child is.

“But talking to them while they’re still in primary school can help determine their level of understanding and encourage them to ask questions.”

To sum up, be available

Kathryn Mabey says: “I do think openness and frankness from early on is quite important and just an environment where young people feel they can come and say when there’s a problem.”

“What more can you do except make sure that they know you’re there for them?” asks Dr San.


Via Psychology Today: 4 Keys to Resolving Conflict with Your Kid

Every parent knows the nightly ritual: You read your child a bedtime story, say “lights out,” and then brace for the storm of “I do not want to go to bed!!!” Night after night, we parents all suffer from this same malady, until we finally lose that last sliver of patience and snap back at our child with some not-so-nice words. Our child eventually falls asleep, but we lay awake worrying about what we said and wondering whether we may just be the single worst parent in the world.

You’re not. In reality, every parent and child fights — and a whole new set of tools offers powerful methods to resolve conflict, whether you are struggling to put your four-year-old to sleep or tussling with your teenager over screen time. Here are four crucial guidelines:

1. Don’t fall into “vertigo.”

Perhaps no relationship in life is as intense as that between parent and child. So as conflict intensifies, you risk having the tension emotionally consume you, to the extent that you can think of nothing else in your life. I call this experience vertigo, for you feel like the world is spinning out of control. Every time you try to regain focus, your child makes a new demand of you or a child lobs a punch at a sibling, pulling you one step further into that emotional swirl.

The best way to break out of vertigo is to avoid getting into it. As tensions escalate, ask yourself one critical question: “Do I really want to get caught up in this conflict?” Most likely, the answer will be no. So take a moment to regain perspective: Take a deep breath and imagine yourself an hour from now, alone in the shower or in your bed relaxing and reading a book. Or imagine yourself on the moon looking down at your interaction. Is it really worth getting so worked up over your kid’s bedtime? Probably not.

2. Appreciate your child’s concerns.

We parents tend to think that we know all the right answers, especially when we are in arguments with our children. But just because we have power over our kids doesn’t mean that there is no validity to their perspectives. Kids often have a good rationale motivating their behavior, and it pays to take the time to inquire, listen, and try to understand. When your ten-year-old starts shouting that you treat him unfairly, don’t just defend your behavior. Ask why he thinks that way. He may be jealous of the leniency you show in disciplining his younger brothers, or he may be making a call for more attention.

3. Give your child some autonomy.

Imagine how disempowering it can feel to be a child: Your parents tell you what time to wake up, what to eat, when to sleep, and even how to talk. Unsurprisingly, then, children want some freedom to determine their own destiny. Even my four-year-old son Liam will break out in a temper tantrum if I choose his dessert for him. “Daddy! I want to choose!!!” So the next time your child asks if she can stay up an extra half hour, don’t just say no. Ask why. Listen to her reason, and give her a choice: “If you stay up later tonight, you will have to go to bed earlier tomorrow night. Which do you want?”

4. Resist the repetition compulsion.

Notice the patterns of conflict that you tend to repeat when in a fight with a child. In my own family, I noticed a common pattern develop with my ten-year-old son, Noah. The moment he started to tease his younger brothers, I would immediately step in with tough words: “Noah … stop!” He tended to ignore those words and persist with his behavior, which undermined my authority but elevated his status in his brothers’ eyes. Of course, I would then further assert my authority, again demanding he stop. Inevitably, our conversation would end in a verbal clash.

But our relationship was not doomed. The key is to notice a dysfunctional pattern of conflict and commit to changing one or two actions in that process. In my relationship with Noah, I came to understand our typical pattern of mutual confrontation, and I sought to change my behavior. When Noah next teased his brothers, I stepped in and asked him to stop. He refused. But instead of escalating my demand, I asked his advice on how we might deal with the situation. He appeared caught off guard, and told me that his younger brothers had been invading his space on the couch. Nowwe were talking, listening, and effectively communicating. By asking Noah for advice, I jolted us out of our typical pattern of discord, which created space for us to have a more productive conversation.

So take action today, tomorrow, and the next.

As I write this article, I realize that the advice I am sharing is as much for me as for you. My three boys are loving and adorable, but they certainly test their daddy’s patience on a daily basis. Patterns of conflict are hard to change. But with conscientious effort, you can avoid falling prey to vertigo, to the repetition compulsion, and to the usual fight. As you keep trying, your fights will start to feel more manageable, and your relationships will feel more constructive. And with enough effort, you may just be able to master the fine art of conflict resolution by the time your child grows up.


Via Smart Parenting: What a Famous Psychologist Told Us About Raising Smart and Happy Kids

Dr. Peter Gray, a world acclaimed evolutionary psychologist, was a panelist in a forum when he was asked why play was important. He answered, “Because it makes children happy.” He was ignored for the rest of the discussion. In a succeeding forum, he was again asked the same question. This time, he responded differently: “Because it’s how children learn.” It got him more speaking time to elaborate on the developmental benefits of play.

The above goes to show that when it comes to matters about children, one will only get a room’s avid attention when you talk about how to make children smart, rather than happy. But child development experts like Dr. Gray wants us to remember that our kids learn the most when our little ones are happy.

We got the opportunity to catch Dr. Gray speak after SmartParenting.com.ph asked me to attend the Jumpstart 2017 Early Leadership Symposium. It was organized by Rethasia International and Miriam College and held at the Henry Sy Sr. Innovation Center in Miriam College.

Dr. Peter Gray, who is a research professor at Boston College, author of the book Free to Learn, and writer for the blog “Freedom to Learn” for Psychology Today, speaks passionately about the need for children to play. He backs it up by citing studies he conducted with his colleagues and other researchers.

There was so much process to process after his talk. But here are three main takeaways I feel he would like all parents to know.

#1 Let kids learn how to explore and entertain themselves

Dr. Gray prescribes “self-directed play” where children can choose what to do during play time. Play-based schools who promote self-directed play give their students the chance to freely explore the classroom with subjects like Dramatics Play, Blocks, Science, Math & Manipulatives, Reading, Art & Writing. Here, they engage and learn to resolve social conflicts, craft artworks or stories for fun, or figure out how to solve the structural problems of a spaceship they made or complete a puzzle.

At home, he advises parents to let children play independently as well as with other children. Having the time to join others in playgrounds or playgroups has countless benefits, especially when they can choose their games and make up the rules.

Gray had also emphasized that imagination is developed through self-directed play. Children need the chance to create stories, build castles, experiment with water, sculpt clay figures, read about things that interests them, or play dress up. All these develop their creative side, a quality that is not only important among artists, but all industry leaders who are looking for individuals who can think out of the box and come up with novel and unique ideas.

#2 Academic skills is good, but another set of skills that may be better

Parents who are overly concerned about their children’s intelligence should, according to Gray, learn the difference between academic and intellectual abilities. The former can be taught in schools “using demonstration, recitation, memorization and repeated practice.” The latter has to do with “reasoning, hypothesizing, exploring, and understanding.” Intellectual abilities are mainly developed by the child through self-initiated activities. Parents can help by providing nurturing environments, like when we read to children or play games that involve numbers and measuring. But for intellectual abilities to truly develop, children need to be happily engaged and motivated.

Gray believes that for our kids to become successful and happy adults, we need to focus on the intellectual rather than the academic skills. He also warns focusing on academic skills can negatively affect the development of a child’s intellectual skills. It puts on a lot pressure for children who have difficulty with memorization tasks and are shamed into thinking they are slow or stupid. These kids begin to think there is something wrong with them and begin to withdraw, give up or misbehave.

Source: iStock

#3 Parents need to create an environment where their kids can play

It’s not only in school that children are having less time to play. Thanks to homework, extra-curricular activities, safety and health fears of parents, and lack of accessible neighborhood play spaces, children are not playing together as much anymore.

Over the years, we’ve been seeing an increase in anxiety, depression, and suicide rates. Narcissism is on the rise, because people are missing the chance to develop empathy. Children aren’t filling up neighborhood parks anymore and missing out on inventing games and rules of play that are fun, creative and fair. They have less and less opportunities to learn how to win and lose gracefully. Specialists are correlating the rise in depression to the decline in play and happiness in childhood.

We, grown-ups, know how play makes us feel. We’re aware of how it ignites our interests in things that we will pursue with a passion. In my experience as a teacher, I have had students who made glorious messes in the art area, and they turned out to be artists who will sell their beautiful work. I had a student who loved being a Power Ranger and is now a US Marine. I had two little girls who always played with animals and plants and grew up to study Environmental Science.

With play, children have the chance to ignite a spark that will fuel them to do something meaningful and satisfying with their lives. Why would we, as a society, consciously deprive our children of play – of the chance to be happy while they are young and lead satisfying lives as adults?
At the start of the day, Dr. Gray told us to be skeptical about whatever he said. “You don’t have to take everything I say at face value…Question it.”

While we question Dr. Gray’s teachings, let’s also question ourselves. We all want what is best for our children, but what is more important to us, for our children to be happy and smart or to be school smart? If we sat in a room and were told how play makes our children happy, would we care? Or would we only tune in when the speaker starts to tell us how we can make our children smarter?